Letting Go of Mistakes

I made a big mistake at work today. Nothing illegal, life-threatening or anything, but embarrassing for the company that I work for. As I realised what I’d done, I could feel the chill going down my spine, heart racing, face flushing and dread sinking in. I put off informing my boss for a few minutes – I just didn’t want to deal with it.

He emailed me back to say it was a serious mistake (I was working remotely) and it definitely must not happen again, re-iterated. It was copied in to a few other team members, more for info probably but why did I feel like it was to widen my circle of shame?

It was something that could have so easily been avoided. I can’t understand how I missed it. Looking back, I think ‘only an idiot or extremely lazy person could have done that’. I can’t get it out of my head – I’m excruciatingly embarrassed and ashamed. What must he think of me? I’m only to happy to fill in the blanks.

I’m also feeling bad about feeling quite so bad about myself. I find the self-pity and self-loathing to be utterly self-indulgent. I should get some real problems.Ackno

I feel so bad that I’m going to try and apply what I’ve previously learnt from reading depression and low self-esteem help books:

1)Don’t judge yourself based on isolated or specific incidents.

I take this to mean that I shouldn’t base my value as a person based on just a few negative incidents. I should look at myself as a whole. At the moment, only past mistakes are running through my mind. I’m trying to build a mental dam – not too difficult, I can easily focus on my BFM today. I feel that overall I am a bad person.

2)How you would feel towards someone who had make the same mistake.

Generally I see mistakes as part of life. Usually not life-threatening and most of the time. I’m quite understanding and forgiving. I don’t imagine that others are, so I feel justified today in ruminating on my mistake. I’m only hurting myself, I know.

3)How big a deal is it in the grand scheme of things? Will it still matter in 6 months, 1 year, 10 years time?

It is a big deal to me. I have a fantastic memory, especially for negative events. Sometimes I can’t get to sleep if I start thinking about past shortcomings. It’s very likely, almost certain, that this event is going to be haunting me in over a year’s time. Also I imagine it will lurk in my boss’s memory – not an active memory, but just enough to taint their view of my competency. I think that’s the worst thing in this particular mistake.

Maybe the shame won’t feel quite as strong and will diminish over time. It’s not helping me now to know that, though.

In 6 months time, I’m sure I’ll have made another rotten mistake to ruminate and obsess over.   Something to look forward too…

4)Acknowledge that I did the best that I could do at the time.

Oh dear. The problem arose because I didn’t do anywhere near my best. Going forwards, I will be obsessive about trying to prevent myself from repeating the same mistake. A positive outcome perhaps? Possibly. However, I can already see where this is heading. Me taking longer and longer at work to check things, then double check things to make sure I did check properly the first time. Heightened stress and anxiety when I have to perform this monthly task – the expectation and dread of further failure. Especially now I’ve been warned by my boss that ‘THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN AGAIN’.

Typing this out has made me feel marginally better. I’ll save the obsession and rumination for when I go to sleep tonight and there’s nothing else to occupy my mind.

I’ll be sure to let you know in 6 months whether I still think of today as a big deal.

 

Painfully Not Speaking Out

There is an everyday event that still sticks out in my mind.

I was waiting at a bus stop and two school girls in maroon uniform turned up a few minutes later. They were about 14 or 15 years of age and one of them was drinking a bottle of Evian.

As the bus approached, I heard the clatter of plastic on the floor behind me. Looking around, I saw the empty plastic Evian bottle lying on the floor. The girl had just dropped it, as though the floor were just one giant bin.

I got on the bus, followed by the two girls.

I should say something. I should definitely say something. Any normal person would say something. Those were my thoughts non-stop on the bus during the ride home. Glued to my seat and staring wilfully out of the window, I remained mute.

It’s awful to litter. That street we were waiting on was the absolute pits anyway.  Bags of rubbish strewn everywhere, half empty take-away boxes dotted about, dog mess and chewing gum and all sorts. And I could understand how it had gotten that way, if that girl’s behaviour was acceptable, the norm.

I wish I had said something to her at the bus stop – ‘Hey, you’ve just dropped your bottle. There’s a bin over there’.  On the bus I felt trapped between speaking out and the fear –  fear of creating a scene, fear of confrontation. Worse, afraid of being verbally, maybe even physically abused on the bus. It’s happened to me before (racial abuse) and no one comes to help. Probably because they’re afraid too, or perhaps they don’t give a damn.

But maybe the confrontation would be more bearable than still ruminating about my cowardly inaction almost a year later. That said, the time I was verbally abused on the bus still makes me angry inside, and that was more than ten years ago.

Networking – An Introvert’s How Not To Guide

Networking – the word strikes fear and brings it me out in a cold sweat.

I work in a finance department of a UK company. We have several offices around the country and also in Northern Europe. Once a year the finance teams all meet up at a company sponsored conference. This year, it was in Newcastle. I already knew I didn’t want to go but hadn’t been able to come up with any good excuses so get out of it – no holiday that had already been booked, no children to have to look after because the husband was away, that sort of thing. Believe me, I tried.

We caught first class trains up to Newcastle and arrived at pretty decent 4* hotel. After checking in, we met up at the hotel conference rooms for the obligatory power point presentation to show us exactly what we were going to be subjected to over the next to days – in sharp, crisp bullet points.  Seriously, I don’t know why they bother with that bit. It takes half an hour, and if we left it out, we could all retire back to our hotel rooms half an hour early. But such is life.

Then we had the predictable getting to know you session. This time we had to pick a film title that said something about us. We only had a few minutes to come up with something and suddenly I could not think of a single film other than Bambi and Neon Demon (a film which had recently been premiered at Cannes, so you can guess what kind of film it might be). Obviously I couldn’t use Bambi, could I?

So the conference leader (Marcus, the Group Finance Director) goes around the group and each person comes out with their film title and why it relates to them. They’re all pretty forgettable, either that or I was still sweating out what I was going to say when it was my turn. Which is now! So I went with Neon Demon and said it’s because I like to wear neon colours at the weekend. I cringed inside as I said it, and imagined that everyone was looking at me oddly, or pityingly. The film is actually a gross out horror film if you’re interested, about a model trying to make it big in LA.

Then followed some awful team activity which involved brainstorming and sharing the rubbish that we’d come up with everyone else. These aren’t the worst parts of business conferences/team away days. At least it’s structured so you’re not drifting around relying on small talk.

The true horror is the coffee break. (Sorry I’m switching tenses here as I like to). I dread this part as it’s a free-for-all. Dispersing to the coffee machine and free mini pastries, we cluster in small groups around high little bar tables where there are no tall stools so you have to stand. Aware that my boss is lurking, I resist the temptation to  seek the safety of hanging out with my colleagues from the London office (where I’m based). I’m sure he’d see that as weak and making the whole purpose of this networking opportunity redundant. I sidle up to a group who look reasonably friendly – they look like they could be a my level in the organisation. I introduce myself and then ask a little about them and their role. So contrived and on-script, I know, but people often say that I’ve had a sense of humour bypass and I was last in line when they were dishing out personality. Therefore after the initial introductions, I run out of things to say. I’m introvert and shy – I hate telling people anything about myself unless I can be anonymised. So I stand woodenly and fix a grin to my face and watch them talking to each other, hoping that I look like I’m part of this networking nodule. Sometimes I move my lips, so that at a distance it looks like I’m talking. It’s pretty obvious I’m just a bystander, as no one makes eye contact with me after the initial introductions. Feeling like my duty is done, I trot off to the ladies to kill time until coffee break is over and we can resume in some more structured corporate activity (analysis of Q1 results).

 

Am I Shy or Introvert?

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Good morning, visitors!

So in my previous post I mentioned about my school reports from age 5-18 commenting on the fact that I was shy and quiet.

Throughout my school years, I believed that this was A BAD THING. This was due to the wording in the reports.

‘Her work is good but needs to participate more in class.’
‘She is one of the quieter students of the class.’
‘Quite shy and would benefit from speaking up more.’

Apart from the use of the word ‘but’, you may think that there isn’t anything especially negative about these statements. Then why did my heart sink when I read these reports as my thirteen year old self?

In this present moment, I think it’s because the reports comment on my personality and character. And then suggest that I change, making me a better student. Is it wrong for teachers to call out on enduring personality traits laced with the undertones of disapproval?

I feel that I’m a being a bit precious about this. If a student were displaying anti-social personality traits, then you would probably expect a teacher to comment as such in a school report. I suppose the difference is that I don’t feel like I’m harming anybody with my awful shy and quiet ways.

I remember a primary school teacher saying to my parents that he wished there were 6 more of me in his class. Why not the whole class like me? Because then whenever the teacher asks the class a question, there would just be silence staring back.

An Introvert’s Foray Into Instagram

So readers, not so very long ago I set up a shop on Etsy (yes, I know) and I knew that getting traffic to my shop site would be one huge mountain to climb. The interwebs suggest using social media as a way to be seen out in that vast wasteland of shops. I’ve set up my lemonade stand in the middle of a desert and no one knows I’m there.

So I created an Instagram account. Not a very introvert thing to do? A necessary evil I suppose.

I took photos of myself, usually in a wig, or wearing sunglasses and posing in the dresses that I was aiming to market. I didn’t like the idea of putting myself out there so visibly. The wigs and glasses helped me to feel that it was a different person, someone other than me, that was being shoved into the (tiny) limelight. I gained some followers and some likes, and I appreciated those.

The stats on Etsy showed that my posts were driving some traffic towards my shop but I don’t think they turned into sales. I did make some sales but they were (I believe) from people browsing Etsy.

Anyway, it’s been over a year and I’ve stopped posting pictures on Instagram. It felt too invasive. I hated taking pictures of myself. I felt too ‘out there’. I don’t even post pictures of just the dresses. These tended to generate the least number of likes, as everyone know engagement is better if you include people in Instagram posts.

Marketing yourself and your product is hard. Even harder for the shy introvert. It seems to be everything that I am not. So why can I publish my thoughts on this blog then? How hypocritical and self-conflicting am I?

Yes, putting these words out there leaves me feeling somewhat exposed. But it’s the photos of me out in the web that I’m not keen on. So the blog is my compromise. There are thousands of blogs in this same vein out there – musings of other introverts, struggling or winning through this life.

Do you agree? Instagram is an anathema for the introvert? Or is it just me?

Is It Bad To Be Shy? A View From School

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Good morning, visitors!

So in my previous post I mentioned about my school reports from age 5-18 commenting on the fact that I was shy and quiet.

Throughout my school years, I believed that this was A BAD THING. This was due to the wording in the reports.

‘Her work is good but needs to participate more in class.’
‘She is one of the quieter students of the class.’
‘Quite shy and would benefit from speaking up more.’

Apart from the use of the word ‘but’, you may think that there isn’t anything especially negative about these statements. Then why did my heart sink when I read these reports as my thirteen year old self?

In this present moment, I think it’s because the reports comment on my personality and character. And then suggest that I change, making me a better student. Is it wrong for teachers to call out on enduring personality traits laced with the undertones of disapproval?

I feel that I’m a being a bit precious about this. If a student were displaying anti-social personality traits, then you would probably expect a teacher to comment as such in a school report. I suppose the difference is that I don’t feel like I’m harming anybody with my awful shy and quiet ways.

I remember a primary school teacher saying to my parents that he wished there were 6 more of me in his class. Why not the whole class like me? Because then whenever the teacher asks the class a question, there would just be silence staring back.

Speak Up!

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Do you find it hard to speak up at work? I’m talking staff meetings, team meetings, meetings with suppliers even the work Christmas party. Anything where you’re not taking the lead in the meeting, but just another participant.

I don’t know whether it’s my shyness or introversion that is the problem here. Let me give you an example of what happened just last week:

It’s our company mandatory training on some new finance regulations. An external speaker has been hired at no expense spared to give us the low down.  We’ve been told in advance that it’s going to be much better than the usual online training we do, where we just read pages of stuff and do a short term memory test on the stuff we’ve just read. It’s going to be all about participation and being actively involved.

Now I only started at this company about a year ago, part-time. Much as I tried to re-invent as a non-shy, non-introvert person, my true self is shining out and breaking free.

So for this staff training session I tell myself I MUST participate in some way. Whether that’s asking a sensible question, making an informed comment. Something, anything semi-intelligent.

Most of the session, I’m totally on edge trying to think of something to contribute. All the usual confident people (destined for great things) have already asked great questions or made interesting comments. I’m under so much self-generated pressure. I finally ask a question. Sort of. It’s more of a statement of the obvious in the tone of a question.

The external trainer answers briefly and moves on to the next slide.

I feel deeply embarrassed but at least I made an utterance. Will that do?

Why was it so important to me say something? I didn’t want to be my usual mute self. Successful, respected colleagues always seem to have something to contribute. I wanted to be seen as a worthy employee. Even if by trying, I just announced in no quiet terms my dull-witted desperation.

Do you try? Or do you accept yourself as you are?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will The Quiet Ones Please Stand

Doesn’t that title just make you quiver? Shake slightly in your boots?

It’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye a needle than for a quiet one to want to speak up.                                                   Victoria, July 2018

Since I was very young, I’ve been hassled by teachers (not so much parents) to speak up in class. My school reports would inform my parents of good grades – great, you may think (my parents didn’t bother reading my school reports). On the other hand, they were also a slap in the face. ‘Quiet’, ‘conscientious’, ‘shy’, ‘needs to speak up more’, ‘needs to participate more in class’  were the words and phrases that I would get used to over the 10+ years from primary through to secondary school.

As you probably can guess but the fact I’m writing this, I wasn’t particularly successful in following through on those suggestions. I did try…

Some tens of years later, I’m still trying.